I’m tired.

I’m so tired. Usually I’m not this tired at 10:00. Maybe it’s not because of the day I’ve had. Maybe I’m tired of the life I’ve had.

I don’t know. I’m to tired to think.

I don’t plan what I’m going to write about before I open the “new post” page. I just go with whatever I’m feeling. Right now, I am listening to “Everybody’s got someone but me” by Hunter Hayes. Thats kinda what I’m feeling. I don’t feel like I have someone that cares about me, for me.

Why don’t I have a real friend? One that I can tell everything to?

I don’t understand why.

Until next time,

Stay amazing.

xoxo B.

“You can’t wait for insperation. You have to go after it” Jack London.

I kept thinking about that quote from Jack London. The one that was on the wall in the english room. The one that said,

“You can’t wait for insperation. You have to go after it” 

I was sitting againist the oak tree in the back of the park, where only few people go. I needed to focus. I wanted to write a story. But not just any story, a meaningful one. One where the readers will think, “Wow! I want to be a great writer, just like her!” Lately, I’ve had writers block and couldn’t think of a story for anything. I ususally come to the park when I need to think about think something. Today, I came to think of a story.

* * * *

Crunch. Crunch.

I slowly opened my eyes. Where was I? Then realization hit me. I feel asleep under the oak tree in the park. It was starting to get dark.

Crunch, crunch.

Who would be coming back here? Hardley anyone did. I sat up and looked around, shielding my eyes from the sun. I didn’t see anyone.

Seconds later, I heard crying, and more footsteps.

[more to come]

 

 

Just Me.

I kinda just held everything in. I still do. Everything from my last two posts. Not talking about it was holding me back, and I didn’t even know it. It’s still going to take time, alot of time. But I know that I can overcome this. Maybe not all the way, because it will always stay with me, not matter how hard I try to get rid of it.

Sometimes, I imagine myself as a whole new person. New school, new look, new life, new me. I think about how great that would be. How much easier it would be. Then realization hits me. I will always be me, just me. And I can’t change that. But when I do imagine the new me, I think about how I could be myself around everyone.

To be honest, I’m not even myself around my bestfriend. When I’m in school, I’m so far away from myself. I rarley talk or laugh, even with my friends. When I’m at home and my friend is over, I’m closer to the real me because I don’t have that pressure coming from every where. One time my friend even said “Why don’t you act like this in school?”. I didn’t know how to reply to that. I didn’t know the answer to that.

I never told any of my friends these things about me, not one. Sometimes I wish I would. But if I did, I wouldn’t get any support. They wouldn’t understand. I wish there was someone out there like me. Who feel the same thing. Someone I could talk to, who would understand, who I could be myself with. I wish.

I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award!

Today is my first day of blogging and I’ve already been nominated for a blog award! Wow!

The rules to have a chance to win the award are:

1) Post eleven facts about yourself.
2) Answer the questions the blogger has set for you and create eleven questions for people you’ve nominated.
3) Choose eleven people to give this award to and link them in your post.
4) Go to their blogs and tell them.

So, ten facts about me:

1. I live in the United States

2. I’d like to stay anonymous, for now anyway.

3. I keep to myself.

4. I just discovered my love for writing this year!

5. I love reading!

6. English is my favorite subject.

7. My favorite season is summer ❤

8. I’m Leo.

9. I love listening to music.

10. Hunter Hayes is my favorite singer.

The questions my nominator created for me:

1. What State (or city) do live in?  Ohio.
2. How long have you been blogging? Today is my first day.
3. Why did you start blogging? I started blogging because I wanted to try another way to write.
4 Why did you choose WordPress instead of another platform? Well, I looked up some blogging websites and WordPress always came up first, so I chose WordPress.
5. Are you on twitter, why? No, I’m not.
6. Are you not on twitter, why? I’m not on Twitter because I’m already addicted to Facebook, I don’t need another website. Hahaha.
7. If you can be an animal, which one? I would be a dolphin because they are very talented and they live in the ocean.
8. Other than writing, what other talents do you have? I’m pretty good at drawing.
9. Has blogging changed you life? Yes, it made me feel like I could do something with writing in a career someday.
10. Will you nominate eleven other people for this award? Yes, after I’m done with this post.
11. Is this your first award? Yes.

Questions I’ve made for the people I nominated:

1. What made you want to start blogging?

2. Have you won an award before?

3. What other talents do you have?

4. What do you want to do for a career/What is your career?

5. Did you go to college/Do you want to go to college?

6. When did you start blogging?

7. Has writing/blogging changed your life?

8. If it has changed your life, how?

9. The blog post that I nominated you for, what made you write it?

10. What is a summary of the post you writen?

The URL’s of the posts I’ve nominated are below. Congrats!

1. http://xlaurarogersx.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/i-am-being-bullied-by-my-own-mind/comment-page-1/#comment-20

2. http://thoughtsxthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/02/10/trust/comment-page-1/#comment-66

3. http://thejamesmoran.wordpress.com/2013/02/08/fridays-flashback-08-02-13/comment-page-1/#comment-1

4. http://imagineteenagelife.wordpress.com/2013/02/10/affected-for-life/#comment-328

5. http://mychildhasautism.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/accepting-autism-again/comment-page-1/#comment-3

more to come!

My Life — Part Two

The summer before third grade.

The new girl moved into the neighborhood. I seen her around sometimes. One day we were both at the park at the same time. We talked. I talked.

We became friends. During third grade, we had a group of friends. I talked more, still quietly, and I didn’t like talking in front of the class.

Forth Grade

My friends from third grade all had different teachers, so I never saw them. The first few weeks, I didn’t really have any friends. Then, the teacher changed everyones seats. I sat next to two girls. We became best friends. The closest friends I have ever had. We told each other everything. Well, I didn’t tell them about my past, or my other secrets.  I let them know my true self as much as I could, I got out of my comfort zone that year, it was the best school year, and yet it wasn’t. I’d made a “friend”, turns out she was fake.

Things were going well, but I was still shy.

During the summer, I didn’t spend time with anyone except the people I now felt confortable with; my family, including the ones that lived behind me. Every year I go back to school shy.

So, it was now fifth grade. I had things going on with my family, I havn’t told anyone either.  One of my best friends had a different teacher, we grew apart but were still friends. The other one was in my class, but so was the “popular girl”. So many things happened, I got a new bestfriend, again, my old one ditched me for the popular girl. And it hurt. So bad.

I tried to get her to be my friend again, but, popularity always wins.

Then it was suddenly the last day of school. My new bestfriend, K, and my old bestfriend, M, were both moving away. I never saw them again.

Middle School:

6th grade:

  • Got yet another bestfriend, C.
  • Still friends with my bestfriend from forth grade, R.
  • I was shy again, but it got worse.
  • I didn’t let anyone see my true self, again.

7th grade

  • Me and R, grew back together. We have alot of classes together
  • Me and C are getting into alot of fights.
  • C isn’t the same as she was last year, to say the least.
  • I have ALOT of embarrasing moments from class. I have tried to talk more and do better with presentations and talking in class, but I have only gotten worse. I afraid everyday to talk and I always feel my face getting hot.

 

Well, thats me. There are so many problems I havn’t shared. I can’t, not right now, I don’t know if I will ever be able too. I don’t know what I expect to get out of posting this on a blog, I don’t know if I should have. But, I’m going to try to post more positive, fun things. I might write about this again, I don’t know. I don’t know about anything anymore.

Well, um..

Until next time,

Stay amazing.

xoxo B.

 

My Life — From the beginning. Part One.

I don’t know why I was born this way.

It’s something I wish I could grow out of. I wish it was just temperary, that it would go away. But, I hasn’t.

I grew up with something called Selective Autism.  Selective Autism: a phychiatric disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech is unable to speak in given situations or to specific people. Selective Autism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.

The last sentence of the actual definition above, I don’t like. It’s not shyness to me. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

When I was little, old enough to talk but not go to school, I would talk to only a few people; parents, siblings, grandparents and my two friends. I wouldn’t talk to my aunt & uncle, or cousin, who lived behind me. They talked to me and I hid behind my mom, looking at the ground, just wanting to be left alone. I just wanted to sink into the floor, away from everyone.

It only got worse from there.

When I began preschool, it was torture. I remember the classroom. There was two rocking chairs in the front, a dry erase board, and a big carpet with colorful squares, big enough for one child to sit on each. Everyday, after begging my parents not to make me go, on the car ride there, I would stop talking to my parents. My mom would take me in there, and she told me to go in the classroom. After crying and holding on to her leg, she make me go. Everyday I sat in the last square to the right, crying. Not once did I sit in another square, never. The teacher would ask everyone to name the shape on the flashcard and then they could go play. She asked a few children, then came to me. She asked me what it was. All the kids were staring, at me. I didn’t answer, I couldn’t. She said she would come back.

I was the last one on the carpet. She showed me the card. I knew what it was, it was so easy. An oval. A green oval. She sat with me, asking over and over again what it was. I never answered.

One day, there was a practice fire drill. Everyone was outside, teachers calling everyones names to make sure they were there. My name was called.

I didn’t answer. I didn’t even raise my hand. She gave me a cold stare, along with everyone else. She called my name and turned her head, pretending to be looking for me.

“Well, class. I have to go into the building thats on fire.” It really wasn’t. “..and look for her.” She did.

When she came back out, she gave me a long lecture, in front of everyone.

 

A while later, when my parents noticed no changes in my behavior, they put me in a different school. Maybe on that specialized in kids “like me”. I’m not sure, we rarely talk about it.

I met a teacher there. She treated me as if I was her daughter. She took me out for ice cream, my mom and I went to her house just to hang out. Things were going a bit better. By first grade, I would only talk if I had a friend help me. That was the deal between me and my teacher. I had only a few friends. Liz, she was really nice, she helped me. But other times, when she wasn’t there to help me, I would cry if everyone looked at me and the teacher was asking me a question. Second grade, the same way.

 

I will have more out soon: My Life — Part Two.

Until next time,

Stay amazing.

xoxo, B

 

 

My Blog. :)

Hey Guy’s! (well, girls too!) This is my new blog. I will talk about pretty much anything from school, to my friends & family, to my secrets. I love to help, so if you feel like you need to talk, let me know! If your woundering about my username, it’s a hunter hayes song, and 7 is his favorite number. ❤ My real name will stay hidden, unless I trust you enough to tell. But for right now, you can call me B.

I’m looking for a quote. A quote that is meaningful, one that will be my signeture of my blog, so not to long. I would love if you could help me find one!

Until next time,

xoxo

B